As I laid on that closet floor, after all my tears were cried out, I began to pray. I poured out my heart and told God how I was sure He had made a mistake. I told Him that I wasn't sure I could do all of what He was asking me to do...I could do "easy" but I didn't think I could do the "hard".
I know it is hard at times, Lisa. That is why you MUST trust me.
Trust. Trusting is sometimes hard.
I know it is hard at times, Lisa. That is why you MUST continue to obey me.
Obey. Obedience is sometimes hard.
I know, Lisa. But you MUST always trust and obey ME. This is all about ME and my perfect will.
The words were in my mind and the old hymn sang in my heart, "...What He says we will do, Where he sends we will go--Never fear, only trust and obey. Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."
Obedience is hard for our boys at this point in time because they don't trust us yet. They have been in control and for them to give up control to us is very scary for them. They are fearful. They have yet to realize that we want to give them everything. We want to smother them in unconditional love but they sometimes push our love away. "Pushing away" our love sometimes means that they respond to us with hitting, kicking, biting and even choking. It is a battle for control and it is exhausting...mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
It is the perfect picture of any believer's life...of my life. We so often fight God, not wanting to give up control to Him. I am fighting with God to have control of of things that I cannot (and should not) be in control of. I am pushing Him away when He says that it must be His way. I am fearful of what that means...what it will look like...how difficult that might be. My friend, Angie, wrote about "hard" a few weeks ago on her blog. I loved her post.
In the past 8 weeks we've talked a lot about obedience to the boys. I tell them that when I say their name they are to STOP, LISTEN and OBEY. It is good in theory--we're still working on all of it. I've now decided that I need to add in the word TRUST. I will begin to tell them that they can TRUST mommy and daddy because we love them and know what is best for them. They can trust and obey mommy and daddy...even when it seems hard.
Yes God. I hear YOU speaking to ME loud and clear. Trust and obey. Thank you for the times when I am sent to my knees because I realize that I am inadequate and need you desperately. For it is in those times, even though they are very hard, that I find my true strength in You.
And thank you for these two little boys....may they grow to love, trust and obey not only Kurt and I, but YOU. May they know that they are loved...unconditionally...always.
(And "yes", I know that you never make mistakes, God. I was just really tired.)